January 2022 – Page 2

January 10, 2022

Ode to Erin

I read somewhere that we marry a version of our partner, who they are in that moment in time. We’ve known each other for nearly 20 years, married for almost 16 of them. People and personalities evolve over time. My validation-seeking, social butterfly, partying-to-fit-in self would rather cuddle with my youngest and watch Star Wars spin-offs and David Attenborough nature shows.

My life-of-the-party socialite wife has traded the glasses of wine and cocktails for chamomile tea on the couch and a sensible bedtime. Post-shift after-parties until dawn have given way to boho decor and yoga schedules.

January 8, 2022

Mr. Brightside

As much as humanly possible, I try to look at every situation from multiple perspectives. Perhaps it’s from my photography background, or my high-school journalism days, or some other combination thereof. Regardless, I often ask myself what can I learn from this? Call me hopelessly optimistic if you want, but I look for the silver lining. If I’m able to (and I’m certainly not able to 100% of the time) disassociate from the emotion of the immediate situation, there is almost always another angle to approach it from.

Cancer is the situation now. This is the darkest cloud to ever form in my sunny skies.

January 7, 2022

Alone. With Friends.

I’ve never felt more alone.

The path I’m on is mine alone. I know I have many, many people who love and support me, but even if they could, they can’t do this with me. I’m reminded of this every morning when my amazing nurses place my rigid plastic mask over my face and lock it into place. My eyes are held shut as I’m held into millimeter alignment for the radiation beam. The many daily jaw and tongue muscle exercises. The list of solitary activities goes on.

January 6, 2022

Sobering Thoughts

I caused all of this. My cancer is my own creation, a consequence of years of smoking cigarettes and working in smoke-filled bars, nightclubs, and restaurants. Hell, I used to request to work the smoking section of restaurants when I was a young server, because the smokers tended to drink more booze and run up larger tabs.

Alcohol is another major risk factor associated with my type of cancer. I’ve had alcohol nearly every day since I was 21. I can probably count on two hands the number of days that I abstained. It’s been my sleep crutch ever since I first discovered its sedative effects. (I know, it’s not the same as sleep, save your comments.) It used to take me hours to fall asleep, but with booze I could reliably get unconscious on a regular time table.

Plus, I liked it a lot. I was good at drinking.

January 5, 2022January 5, 2022

Radiation Begins

I’m strapped onto a motorized table. My hands grip adjustable holds that are meant to help align my upper body to millimeter accuracy so that the powerful, invisible radiation beam hits its intended target: my tumor. Red lasers find my alignment tattoos. My entire head is encased in a custom mask that was molded to my face during my simulation just two weeks ago. The mask is securely attached to this motorized tray, which will immobilize my head and neck.

January 4, 2022January 5, 2022

Holiday Tripping

“I want to go to New York for Christmas,” my youngest announced.

Erin and I have been talking about gifting our boys more experiential things for the holidays, as opposed to more stuff. This year, we finally did it. We have been planning a trip to New York City for Christmas for months. It’s been a lot of fun for us to put this together, all while dropping little clues and hints here and there for months now. Commenting on scenes in famous New York locales, like the Oculus in one of the John Wick movies.